Turning point

I'm a planner. Well I'm a planner for the most part. I do have a few spontaneous moments in my life but by the very fact I am a mom, I have to plan most everything to a certain degree. Like if we decide to go somewhere at the last minute, I need to make sure we have drinks, snacks, diapers and wipes or we could be somewhere and find ourselves in a heap of trouble. This is also just plain mom commonsense.

Also if I have a problem or something is troubling me, I will not sleep until I have found some satisfying solution to set my mind at ease. Seriously, I will toss and turn all night until I've solved my problem to some degree. The world could be crashing down around Todd and he would crash right along with it. We are very different in this area. He chooses not to dwell on things whereas I dwell on them probably too much. That bothers me. I feel that he should be as concerned as I am but he just figures things will work themselves out. I think I need to be proactive and help that process along anyway I can.

Perhaps it's because I've gotten older and more secure but I am definitely taking more risks. More than I would ever do in the past. I think I've mentioned before that I like peace and harmony in my home. What I didn't mention outright is that I often hold my tongue to get it. I hate conflict but in holding my tongue I've created a lot of negative feelings in me. They boil and they fester. I don't like that feeling. I'm not good at hiding those feelings either. I pretty much wear my emotions on my sleeve so why even bother denying how I feel?

Maybe it was the wine last night but I let it all out. He tried to shutdown and walk away from me and the old me would have let him and probably would have apologize profusely saying, "It's my fault. I was wrong. You were right." I'm extremely tired of that old me. She gets me nowhere and I'm still miserable in the end because none of my feelings have been resolved.

So instead I went after him. We were going to get it all out in the open and be done with it. I know I'm being a bit ambiguous but it's a lot of crap to rehash and I don't have the time and you probably don't have the patience to read it.

What's important is that we talked. We didn't yell. Unfortunately there were a few stupid tears but I'm a weepy person when I get emotional. I didn't apologize. That is very important. I'm not sorry for the way I feel. I was entitled.

I feel it was a turning point. A much needed one.